How I Have Come to Know, So Far

It always takes me awhile with the big, complex things. Naturally. I’ve always struggled. I suppose it is something that I wish to help others with, and why I’ve wanted to teach, and really teach geography. Anyway, for better, and more often for worse, my past-pain, maladapted hypocrisies and contradictions, have really led to some complicated, quite painful present-pain choices that have led me away from the classroom. When I was teaching in the past, I was my best self. But my anxious fears, type-A-assigned duties, and anti-authoritarian habits would overwhelm me somehow.

 I’ve been dancing around those questions, but more accurately those feelings, because never could I really articulate the question, nor could I properly attribute the feelings. Nevertheless, I was conditioned to react. But my reactions often prove flawed. My reactions yes, those things. My intention, my values, my compassion, my sense—my mind just cannot get in front of them. I can admit that by 35 years I have not figured it out.

 And now… I’m back at the starting line… of square one… on a blank slate. Point made. Still, while I’m trying to do all the things I need to do. Making time for the things that I want to do. I was so strongly, viscerally compelled to write this today – I had to. I feel it in my gut. Bubbling over with that deep, vulnerable knot of emotion that I often feel. That I read that others feel and describe. Distress.

 I have felt this distress so.many.times. in my life. It truly feels like one of my earliest memories. This is my core. Little by little, conversation by conversation. But really contemplation into rumination is what really brought me to my childhood. Again and again. When I told myself, and then other people, that “I raised myself.” It was true. It sounded empowering, but now it saddens me. Now I stay in that sad spot, to understand it. So many fears and so much left that I see like it’s a sad, weird and really boring mystery-drama telling the story of a forever-girl and why she is so sad and failed.

 Neglect. Forgiveness. Where do you start? Identifying. Then blaming. Then retribution, or powerlessness. Forgiveness.